Conversations about HIV between family can be complicated and difficult to navigate.
Within a household, it’s not uncommon some family members will know about a young person’s HIV status and others, such as HIV-negative siblings, will not. This can cause tension, as a young person may want to share their HIV information but a parent may not.
Parents may also live with self-stigma and find it difficult to discuss HIV with their child. This could impact how a child is first told and made to think about their own HIV. It could also mean the young person is reluctant to bring up the subject, even though they may have questions.
Telling a child for the first time
Our guidance recommends telling children about their HIV at the age of six. At this age, children are less likely to know what HIV is or have come across any misinformation or negative associations. This means parents can share information and build hopes for the future without any outside influence. See our guidance on naming HIV to a child.
How a young person is told about their HIV status is really important. It can impact how they talk about it with others and whether they feel comfortable with their status. Watch part one of Life Growing Up below, which focuses on the different ways young people have been told about their HIV status.
When having conversations about HIV within the family, it’s important to consider the perspectives of parent and child:
Parent or carer’s view
Your parents or carers may worry how you will react to the news about HIV. At the time when they were diagnosed, HIV stigma would have been greater than it is now. This may still make them worry about talking about HIV with other people. Here are some of the questions that might be going through their minds:
- How will my child react to finding out they have HIV?
- How will they feel about me? Will they blame me?
- If they tell other people, does that mean my HIV status will be known too?
- Do I have all of the answers to their questions?
- How will my child feel once they hear my answers to their questions?
- We’re both healthy, why do we need to talk about it?
- Should I wait for my child to bring up HIV so that I know they’re ready to talk about it?
Any of these questions may stop your parent or carer from feeling able to talk openly about HIV with you, even if they want to. If you want to bring up the subject but are not sure how, you could try watching some of our films together. Other young people we work with have said this has helped spark conversations. You could also think about coming to one of our family events. An activity of this kind usually happens annually, and when the next one is arranged, there will be information about it here.
Talking about HIV, is an ongoing process, and if one conversation doesn’t go as well as you might have hoped, it is important to try again another time. If you have anyone else to talk to about any worries, it might really help. You can also always talk to Chiva if you are finding it difficult to talk about HIV in your family. Please get in touch with us and we can see how we can help.
Young person’s view
A child growing up living with HIV, may have many questions. But they may also feel they don’t have many places they can turn to. Here are some of the questions that might be going through their mind:
- Were my parents born with HIV too?
- Do my siblings have HIV/why don’t my other siblings have HIV?
- (Depending on when/how they find out) why wasn’t I told sooner?
- Why can’t I tell my siblings about my HIV?
- How did my parents/carers feel when they told me about my HIV status?
- How did my parents/carers feel when they told me about their HIV status?
- Are there other young people with HIV?
- Will I be able to have a relationship?
- Can I have a baby?
- Does school know/ do I have to tell school?
- Who knows that I have HIV?
- What will my future be like?
- Should I wait for my parents/ carers to bring up HIV so that I know they’re ready to talk about it?
Whether a young person feels comfortable asking these questions may depend on how they were first told about their HIV. Children and young people may base their reaction to HIV on what they think the adults in their life feels about it. Some of the children and young people we support feel that they aren’t allowed to talk about HIV in the home, whether it has been directly or indirectly stated. It is really important as an adult to consider the point of view of a young person, even if this is difficult, and for you to do whatever you can to enable your child to feel like they can come to you with their questions.
You may find these FAQs helpful to read through.
There is more information for parents and carers here. Chiva are also very happy to talk to anyone in families who are finding it difficult to talk about HIV. Please get in touch if we can help you with this.
Attend a families event
We organise events specifically for families living with HIV. As well as a residential each year, we also run smaller regional meet-ups. These are designed as safe spaces to have these difficult conversations.
Visit the families’ area
Find more advice for parents and carers in the families’ area of the website: how to support your young person as they grow up, testing for HIV, how to access support yourself and more.
